14 DAY TRIAL // “Why are you like that?,” Anastasia Steele asks, desperation edging in her voice, at one point in the Sam Taylor-Johnson-directed movie “Fifty Shades of Grey,” aka this year’s first most anticipated release, out in theaters now. “Because I’m fifty shades of [expletive]-ed up!,” Christian Grey yells back, grabbing onto the window sill as if it were the only lifesaver he still had.
No, Mr. Grey, you are like that because you are the creation of an unimaginative and narrow mind. There is no other way to describe it, unfortunately. “Fifty Shades of Grey” may be one of the hottest movies of the year - and it will definitely make a killing at the box office - but a masterpiece it is not.
Set your expectations low enough (think ground-level kind of low), and you might actually live through it.
First adult novel in trilogy comes to life on the big screen
“Fifty Shades of Grey” is also the name of the first novel in the best-selling trilogy by E.L. James, the unimaginative “auteur” of this BDSM-tinged universe. The book is adult literature, with enough explicit scenes and details, all presented through Anastasia’s innocent eyes (she’s a virgin, you guys!), to make you blush if you happen to read it on the plane or anywhere else in public.
If you don’t blush from what you’re reading, the way it’s written will certainly make you do that, out of frustration.
This is only relevant because it means the movie started on the wrong foot since the day someone must’ve casually mentioned “hey, what if we brought this to the big screen?” With a source material so risible, you can only do this much: in this sense, director Taylor-Johnson and writer Kelly Marcel made the best kind of lemonade they could with the lemons James handed them.
The movie “Fifty Shades” is wrapped in a decent-looking package, with a couple of scenes of outstanding cinematography, a few humorous scenes, a couple decent ones and only one in the entire movie that was as hot as they meant the whole to be. Ironically, it doesn’t even involve physical contact between the two leads, just a dimly-lit office, two copies of the infamous contract, a long glass table, and Ana finally taking the lead in this seductive game they were playing.
But even though the package is decent, the core is still rotten. This story has no legs because it has no substance, which makes all interactions between the two leads forced and unintentionally funny. And that, without even taking into consideration the cheesy dialog.
To give you an idea of just how ridiculous this film is, picture this: a packed night on the first screening on premiere day, and the entire crowd laughs out loud at the first 2 romantic encounters between the leads. They weren’t supposed to be funny, they were meant to come across as hot, passionate and oh-so-deliciously wrong. And everybody laughed.
The story is so basic it’s almost absent
As the movie opens, we’re introduced to our two lovely protagonists: on one hand, we have the very rich, handsome and never-smiling (and permanently constipated, it seems) Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan), a businessman who likes “to exercise control in everything” and will scare you into submission with his deadly stares.
We know he’s a businessman because he’s shown doing businessmany things, like sitting in offices and typing on laptops and having an entire skyscraper with his name on it. Did we mention he’s rich? That’s because he’s a businessman.
On the other, we have Anastasia Steele, a young girl with no sense of fashion, no idea of how the world actually works, no IT knowledge, and no experience in between the sheets. She’s gorgeous (because she has many suitors, 2 of whom we meet) but she has no idea of it. She’s actually a virgin.
The two meet for an interview, with Anastasia (Ana, as Christian calls her) sitting in for her sick roommate, conducting said interview for the school paper. We’re to believe their chemistry is instantaneous and almost scorching hot, that sparks fly the moment their eyes meet, but what actually happens on screen is that they stare at each other for minutes in a row, speaking only in whispers (and clichés), him frowning and her biting her lower lip.
She does that a lot, to the point where it becomes annoying. He also does the staring part a lot, because he’s “intense,” we gather.
Christian wants Ana to become his submissive because he’s of “singular” tastes and he doesn’t “do romance.” He has this huge contract for her to read and sign if she agrees, so she can begin her life at his home, his own private human toy.
In the meantime, he stalks her, but because he’s rich and handsome, she doesn’t seem to mind. He tracks her down using her phone, she’s ok with it. He buys her a laptop and installs all apps on it with her username and passwords - she doesn’t mind. He buys her a new car and tells her he’s already sold her old one, and she just smiles and is happy that he’s so generous towards her. He shows up in her house, at her mother’s house without being invited or telling her, and she just sits there and smiles.
Girl, in the real world, you would probably think taking candy from strangers was a good idea.
They make love and then do it again. And again. Then they try it Christian’s way, and she likes it. They talk some more and do it again. And again. Then they fight. Cut! Scene!
No chemistry, some chemistry (maybe)
Even before the theatrical release, there was strong buzz online that Dornan and Johnson, both relative newcomers in Hollywood, had no chemistry and hated each other, which, if true, would be the worst thing possible since they have at least 2 more installments to shoot together.
The film won’t offer any clues as to whether they hate each other or not, but it will make it clear as daylight that they were miscast as a couple: in a movie where passion is supposed to come out of their every pore, their trying to compensate for the lack of chemistry by staring at each other is absurd.
On the upside, things get somewhat better in the third act: the acting in all the love scenes is terribly unconvincing, but the fact that Johnson is offered more room to work with her character actually makes Ana grow on you. Dornan, on the other hand, remains constipated, since his role is nothing more than a stereotype, at least in this first installment.
Once the end credits start to roll, you will actually be wondering what you did with the last 2 hours of your life, more so since this is nothing short of an introduction to the “actual” movie, which will come with the second installment. If that’s not how it was meant to be perceived, someone messed up.
“Fifty Shades of Grey” runs for 125 minutes, and is rated R for strong sexual content including dialogue, some unusual behavior and graphic nudity, and for language. It opened wide in most territories tonight, February 13, 2015, and will end its run in Iraq on March 5.
The Good
The Bad
“Fifty Shades of Grey” isn’t even satisfying as far as the thing that made the book famous goes: all love scenes are so heavily choreographed that you can almost see the strings being pulled. There is no heart in them, let alone passion - there’s just what was rehearsed minutes before. And some bad acting.
The Truth
If you haven’t read the books, you will find it too long, too boring, too empty, too stupid. If you did read the books and loved them, you will probably enjoy it a bit, though you will still walk out feeling disappointment at how vanilla it was. Diluted, tasteless vanilla.
